devoted violence

God if they’re not meant to be in my life take mine.

Ever since I was young I’ve witnessed violence verbal, physical, emotional, mental. My footsteps could never catch up with my landscape. I always had this fear that I would be next. That it could be me how grateful I could be to have been the observer and not the victim.

But then I fell in love and there is no greater violence than a love falling apart is there?

I barely knew my heart was beating before you.

Everyday I felt my heart strings get pulled and I took that as a blessing but now I am a gun pointed at myself you fondle the trigger ever so gently with your absence. How you come in quiet shadows, without your footsteps making a sound oh how desperately I wish they did. Your absence is the only presence of yours I carry. Days pass me by and each passing day makes me falter. I have known violence but now I feel it deep in the red blood I carry in my veins.

“I am one of them, those who die when they love”

I’m not yet sure who to be mad at. The world for taking you away from me or myself for never letting you depart from my soul. Or you? For you are gone with my breathing pulse, which grows quieter the further you walk away from me. But the truth is I don’t know how to be mad at you, even in my madness there’s love, love without a boundary; a love that knows no ends.

I’m on my knees and I’m weak but I will not beg, I will not plead for I know I’ve tried I wish that thought alone led me to contentment but it does not. Nothing will bring you back to me except your will, I will only quietly wear this violence on my heart. I hope it is not an inconvenience to you.

I so desperately wish to forget, my agonising longing, my soul with you in it.

We are never together and never apart. You are always here and never gone. I still feel you in my heart. My mouth is filled with blood and the barrel is tainted in what remains after you.

Pull the trigger this is the last time I will plead before you, for my sake take my soul for I can’t forget the one in it, in every breath, in every pulse.

Death will be kinder than the world that prefers us apart, evidently so.

My soul has thinned but my blood thickens in your absence.

I pray when I look death in the eyes I find a glimpse of you in it, I will embrace it with any humanity I have left.

I want you violently. I need you desperately. Do you feel my pain? Can you hear it? Will someone please listen to me?

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thank you for reading :)